just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Im part way to drunk.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
