I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
