Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
