I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
