He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
