I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Randomize
