fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
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