Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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