Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I want her autograph on my taint
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
