with your own penis?
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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