I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
