guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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