I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
