My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
please come you make the beer taste better
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Ladies don't puke and tell
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize