My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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