first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
You smell like stripper and shame
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
