before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize