Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
