when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
