I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
