never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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