Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
