Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
