I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
fuck your aforementioned shoe
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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