a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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