I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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