I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
