I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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