I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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