I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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