I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
So here I am, sexting at work.
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