I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
