Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
