look no pants
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
