I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
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