How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
