im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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