Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
