It's like God shit irony all over that family
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
