I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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