Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
