My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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