I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
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