hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
