I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
