i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
