I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
