her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize