I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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