Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
