I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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