see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize