just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
