I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
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