He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
